Well. Well. Well. I've been wondering when my next "only me" moment was going to happen, and I didn't have to wonder long. Thank you to the human race for being so very diverse, fantastic and amusing. Thank you as well for being tolerant, it's a virtue too many of us are lacking.
Yesterday I was on an airplane. That wasn't the the interesting part. I was on the airplane, and as everyone loaded in, I couldn't help but to play the "don't make eye contact" card and hope that everyone sat around me, but not next to me. C'mon... we all love that extra room when no one takes the middle seat on a flight. Well, as the awesome flight attendants announced for the third or fourth time, "this is a completely full flight, please find a seat and sit in it", I knew it was just a matter of time.
Then it happened. He sat. Him, his legs, and his VERY short shorts.... they sat in my row, in the aisle seat (I like the window so I can lean and sleep).
Now it was just a matter of time before the middle seat was taken. I was hoping the girl I was traveling with would fill the seat, but no luck. It happened. A girl (I feel weird calling her a lady as she was probably my age - young ) said to the man in short shorts, "Excuse me, is anyone in that seat"? Then.... IT HAPPENED. Short shorts gets up, and DOESN'T LET HER IN! No.. no... that would be too easy, too nice to the innocent bystander occupying the window seat. Instead, short shorts, gets up and scoots into the middle seat! Right next to ME! Oh heavens. I have not had that much exposed stranger skin next to me since sometime in college at a bar...
Anyhow, I determine it best to just mind my own Kindle and keep to myself. Not five minutes later it starts unraveling. This had to be one of the most entertaining flights I've had in a while. A long while. The 2 year old little boy three rows back starts having a panic attack. Yes, you read that right. PANIC ATTACK. Let me clarify - BLOOD CURDLING SCREAMS and GASPING for AIR in BETWEEN! Good times people, good times. My heart broke for him. It was awful. Poor little guy, I just wanted to go hold him. Obviously his parents didn't have the same feeling. They literally said, "Oh it's a panic attack, he'll just scream and freak out a little longer and then pass out in exhaustion". OH...ha ha... is that all!?!?! Ok, I thought maybe we should worry, but that sounds like an awesome plan. WHA?????? I've heard of letting a baby cry it out, but COME ON a two year old who is knowingly having a PANIC ATTACK? Can't we do something? SOMETHING? Well, the girl in the aisle seat whips out a little stuffed horse she bought for her daughter, handed it to the flight attendant and said, "please, give this to him and see if it helps". Imagine that... what a novel idea - comfort the child having a panic attack. Genius. Best part... it HELPED! Nobel Peace Prize to the lady in the aisle seat!
Then, as Panic Attack settled (passed out), Short Shorts started reading his book in some foreign language, and Nobel Prize whipped out her book, I figured we were on our way. We were. Ahhhh....
The flight continued for a good while with everyone keeping to themselves. It was lovely. Then. It happened. A conversation between Short Shorts and Nobel Prize.
Short Shorts: Where are you from?
Nobel Prize: Colorado
Short Shorts: What were you doing in Reno?
Nobel Prize: My husband and I were at a cattle show. We're cattle ranchers. (She will now be referred to as "Cattle Rancher")
Short Shorts: You were showing cattle?
Cattle Rancher: No, buying them.
Short Shorts: (Pause) Oh. So, you buy cattle?
Cattle Rancher: Yes. Cattle. Embryos. Semen.
Short Shorts: (Pause) Oh. And then you ...???
Cattle Rancher: Slaughter them, or sell them for slaughter.
Short Shorts: Oh. So you don't eat meat then? I can't imagine that you would eat them after raising them?
Cattle Rancher: Oh, are you kidding, I LOVE meat! After working cattle all day, you WANT to kill them! Ha ha. There's nothing better than a good steak.
Short Shorts: I'm vegan.
HA HA HA!!!! I almost burst out laughing! But instead, my eyeballs BURST out of my head and I had to quickly put them back in! Luckily, all ended well and they were sweet and tolerant of one another and their chosen lifestyle.
It doesn't get much better than this people. I can't make this stuff up.